staying together for the kids?
A lot of couples stay together even though they are unhappy in their marriage because they do not want to cause undue distress to the children. The thought process can often be along the lines of, “We’ll separate when the kids have grown up.”
It is absolutely of primary importance that couples first try to work through their issues, and seeking to build a happier life together. Most relationships can shift to a much better place if both parties are committed to making things work. If we can build a happier marriage, then this is the very best outcome for us, and for our kids.
The sad reality, however, is that as much as you may be willing to grow and change, the same may not be the case for your partner, no matter how hard you try to engage with them. Whilst every situation is different, and it is unwise to make absolute statements in these matters, in cases where the relationship is clearly “over”, staying together may not actually be best for our kids.
Exposing our children to constant conflict can be very damaging.
Our kids are massively influenced by what they observe at home between their parents. An unhappy marriage can set a terrible example for the children, who may grow up with very low expectations of what a healthy relationship looks like, and of what one should aspire for in life. It can model unhelpful relational patterns that our kids may bring forward into their own relationships to their lifelong detriment.
The most important thing we can model for our kids is taking responsibility for our own happiness, which includes being honest and brave when difficult decisions are called for. Where necessary, we have the opportunity to model adult maturity in navigating the complexity of ending a longstanding relationship.
For children who are used to constant parental bickering, or an undercurrent of unhappiness, the separation of their parents is often experienced as a massive relief. Some children feel somehow responsible to mediate between their parents, when they really should be given the space just to be kids.
We also should not discount the potential for new relationships to be of benefit to our children. One person recently said to me, “I have so many friends who have a great relationship with their step-dad. I wish my parents had split up earlier than when they did. I feel like I have missed out!” It can sometimes take years for the dust to settle frommarriage breakdown, but very often, in the long run, the parties to an unhappy marriage are able to recognise that ending the relationship was actually best for all concerned.
These issues can be incredibly complicated, and people often agonise over such a decision for many years before taking any steps. Talking to a counsellor will absolutely help to gain greater clarity in this situation. We are here to support you through any difficult family situations in the strictest of confidence.